Growing up in Portland, Oregon, offered Elijah the best of two worlds. On one hand, he lived in the city, a metro area with more than two million people. His father was the chief rabbi of the city’s largest synagogue. Opportunity abounds for a striking, athletic, and incredibly intelligent young man like Elijah, combined with the network of connections available through his father and the Jewish community that he grew up in. There were the camping trips in the summer deep into the forests of central and western Oregon, fishing trips on the coast with his father, and long hikes around the Oregon and Washington Cascade mountains with his younger brother, Jeremiah, and Uncle Yonatan, or, “Uncle Yoni,” as he called him. His favorite, by far, however, were the annual trips to Israel. There was nothing like it. The entire year in the Geller home was usually spent in baited anticipation for the next trip; always striving to bring more people with them each successive year.
On the surface, it seemed as though he had it all...a well-to-do, close-knit family, dozens of friends, and a future bright enough to dim the sun; but Elijah was miserable. He’d been miserable for as long as he could remember. The pressure from all sides began pressing in on him when he was just a few years old.
On the surface, it seemed as though he had it all...a well-to-do, close-knit family, dozens of friends, and a future bright enough to dim the sun; but Elijah was miserable. He’d been miserable for as long as he could remember. The pressure from all sides began pressing in on him when he was just a few years old.
“Sit still, Elijah. You are the Rabbi’s son; you are to be the best-behaved boy. Don’t embarrass your father.”
“Don’t pick at your food, Elijah. You’re the Rabbi’s son, and you will have manners at the table.”
“Settle down and be quiet, son. Your father is studying the Scriptures and you must not disturb him.”
The pressure he felt from all sides only got more intense as he got older. Grades, athletics, Torah study, and civic projects never ended. His family was expecting him to attend college full-time, as well as his girlfriend's family. The expectations were very high for him, yet he wasn't sure which direction he wanted to go. He felt as though he was tied to a chair with a towel soaked in water laid across his face; a panicked feeling that you’re slowly drowning.
“Don’t pick at your food, Elijah. You’re the Rabbi’s son, and you will have manners at the table.”
“Settle down and be quiet, son. Your father is studying the Scriptures and you must not disturb him.”
The pressure he felt from all sides only got more intense as he got older. Grades, athletics, Torah study, and civic projects never ended. His family was expecting him to attend college full-time, as well as his girlfriend's family. The expectations were very high for him, yet he wasn't sure which direction he wanted to go. He felt as though he was tied to a chair with a towel soaked in water laid across his face; a panicked feeling that you’re slowly drowning.
“If only I could live on my own, away from everything and everybody.” That became his fantasy every time he felt the walls closing in.
***
“You cannot possibly imagine what it’s like growing up in your house! From the time I was old enough to remember, I have been expected to be the most well-mannered, the smartest, the best athlete, and the most Jewish of everyone else in the synagogue, except for you, of course, the Rabbi. I am sick to death of living up to your expectations and society’s expectations for a rabbi’s son.” Elijah had never spoken to his father in a disrespectful manner, but the crack in the dam was getting bigger and would soon burst, bringing forth a whole host of pent-up emotion that had never been dealt with.
“I run the risk of being shunned if I do something that I want to do, but doesn’t line up with what everyone else thinks I should do. ‘Be a doctor or lawyer, or go to yeshiva to be a rabbi like your father’...always something. But what if...what if I wanted to live in Jerusalem and be a Christian tour guide?”
“That’s alright with me if you want to take their money, do what you want to do. That’s the point I’m trying to get across to you. I don’t care what you do, I just want you to determine what that’s going to be and then do it. Of course I want the very best for you...what father doesn’t want the same things for his own children? You are so smart, Elijah. You have so many gifts that God has given you. For you to do nothing to develop those gifts would be nothing short of a tragedy, but please understand that if you wanted to go and join the circus as a clown, and that’s what you really wanted to do, then I would be proud of you and support you.” Intensity began building in Zvi's voice as the veins in his forehead started bulging. “But as it stands, you are 24 years old, living in my house, working part-time, eating my food and not paying rent! It has been like this for six years now. You take a class or two at the community college, but you have yet to apply yourself. Maybe that’s my fault. Maybe it’s my responsibility to motivate you. If so, then I’ve taken that step. You have until 5pm tonight to come up with a plan and make some decisions, Elijah.”
“Or?”
“Or you will be attending Hebrew University in the fall. You will stay in Israel after we leave to come back home. You can stay with your uncle Shlomo if you’d like. I’ve already discussed it with him. You are currently enrolled at the university, and the tuition has been paid. All you have to do is register for the classes you want and show up.”
“Don’t you see? This is just another way for you to keep me under your thumb! I can’t make my own decisions...you’ve already made them for me! I won’t do it. I don’t know what I want to do, but I do know that I will not go back to school.”
“Well, Elijah, you have until 5pm to decide what it is that you do want to do. If you don’t, then it’s off to Israel you go. Please understand that what I’m doing is out of love for you. I want you to succeed and find happiness, Elijah. Don’t forget that.”
“I will not have my mind made up by 5pm today, and if you insist on that, then let me tell you this: you will not like the decision I make. You will never see or talk to me again. Never.”
***
“Hurry up, daddy!” screamed Micah, as she and Eric raced down the trail head covered in gravel with weeds and grass sprouting up and retaking what was originally theirs. The air was filled with the songs of dozens of birds, singing about another glorious day in God’s creation, and the path held evidence of wildlife recently passing through the area. Even though he knew he couldn’t keep up with his kids at his age, he made no attempt to restrain them as they shook off the mental confines imposed by city living. He knew first-hand how therapeutic a day in the mountains can be, and Heaven knows they’ve needed a getaway like this since their mother was killed by a drunk driver late one night on her way home from work. They were a very close family; dedicated Christians, in church every Sunday, and always volunteering for ministry opportunities. The loss of Linda was devastating for all of them, but it also pulled them closer together. He smiled as he watched his two precious angels laugh and play like nothing else existed at that moment...just each other, Dad, and mommy watching from Heaven.
“Dad, look at that ridge up there! Can we climb up there?”
“You man enough to make it?” It was a not-so-subtle challenge to his son’s masculinity, which was met with a sly grin. Mike knew they all could make it, but he really wanted to affirm his kids’ self-confidence. When they make it to the top of the ridge, they feel as though they’ve really accomplished something-at least that’s what all the parenting gurus say; particularly after the death of a parent.
***
“You cannot possibly imagine what it’s like growing up in your house! From the time I was old enough to remember, I have been expected to be the most well-mannered, the smartest, the best athlete, and the most Jewish of everyone else in the synagogue, except for you, of course, the Rabbi. I am sick to death of living up to your expectations and society’s expectations for a rabbi’s son.” Elijah had never spoken to his father in a disrespectful manner, but the crack in the dam was getting bigger and would soon burst, bringing forth a whole host of pent-up emotion that had never been dealt with.
“I run the risk of being shunned if I do something that I want to do, but doesn’t line up with what everyone else thinks I should do. ‘Be a doctor or lawyer, or go to yeshiva to be a rabbi like your father’...always something. But what if...what if I wanted to live in Jerusalem and be a Christian tour guide?”
“That’s alright with me if you want to take their money, do what you want to do. That’s the point I’m trying to get across to you. I don’t care what you do, I just want you to determine what that’s going to be and then do it. Of course I want the very best for you...what father doesn’t want the same things for his own children? You are so smart, Elijah. You have so many gifts that God has given you. For you to do nothing to develop those gifts would be nothing short of a tragedy, but please understand that if you wanted to go and join the circus as a clown, and that’s what you really wanted to do, then I would be proud of you and support you.” Intensity began building in Zvi's voice as the veins in his forehead started bulging. “But as it stands, you are 24 years old, living in my house, working part-time, eating my food and not paying rent! It has been like this for six years now. You take a class or two at the community college, but you have yet to apply yourself. Maybe that’s my fault. Maybe it’s my responsibility to motivate you. If so, then I’ve taken that step. You have until 5pm tonight to come up with a plan and make some decisions, Elijah.”
“Or?”
“Or you will be attending Hebrew University in the fall. You will stay in Israel after we leave to come back home. You can stay with your uncle Shlomo if you’d like. I’ve already discussed it with him. You are currently enrolled at the university, and the tuition has been paid. All you have to do is register for the classes you want and show up.”
“Don’t you see? This is just another way for you to keep me under your thumb! I can’t make my own decisions...you’ve already made them for me! I won’t do it. I don’t know what I want to do, but I do know that I will not go back to school.”
“Well, Elijah, you have until 5pm to decide what it is that you do want to do. If you don’t, then it’s off to Israel you go. Please understand that what I’m doing is out of love for you. I want you to succeed and find happiness, Elijah. Don’t forget that.”
“I will not have my mind made up by 5pm today, and if you insist on that, then let me tell you this: you will not like the decision I make. You will never see or talk to me again. Never.”
***
“Hurry up, daddy!” screamed Micah, as she and Eric raced down the trail head covered in gravel with weeds and grass sprouting up and retaking what was originally theirs. The air was filled with the songs of dozens of birds, singing about another glorious day in God’s creation, and the path held evidence of wildlife recently passing through the area. Even though he knew he couldn’t keep up with his kids at his age, he made no attempt to restrain them as they shook off the mental confines imposed by city living. He knew first-hand how therapeutic a day in the mountains can be, and Heaven knows they’ve needed a getaway like this since their mother was killed by a drunk driver late one night on her way home from work. They were a very close family; dedicated Christians, in church every Sunday, and always volunteering for ministry opportunities. The loss of Linda was devastating for all of them, but it also pulled them closer together. He smiled as he watched his two precious angels laugh and play like nothing else existed at that moment...just each other, Dad, and mommy watching from Heaven.
“Dad, look at that ridge up there! Can we climb up there?”
“You man enough to make it?” It was a not-so-subtle challenge to his son’s masculinity, which was met with a sly grin. Mike knew they all could make it, but he really wanted to affirm his kids’ self-confidence. When they make it to the top of the ridge, they feel as though they’ve really accomplished something-at least that’s what all the parenting gurus say; particularly after the death of a parent.
“Micah, can you make it all the way up there, or will I have to carry you?” Another sly grin. “Dad, we’re worried about you being able to make it!” There was laughter all around.
“Ok, guys! Today we are three super-explorers with no agenda. We’ll go wherever we feel like, conquering everything in our path! Ok?” Eric and Micah both shouted, “ALL RIGHT!”
***
“Ok, guys! Today we are three super-explorers with no agenda. We’ll go wherever we feel like, conquering everything in our path! Ok?” Eric and Micah both shouted, “ALL RIGHT!”
***
“I just can't handle everybody making all the decisions for me!” Elijah's mind was spinning uncontrollably, but Sarah Rosen was the one person who could calm his spirit and refocus him. She is a lovely girl, petite in stature. Sarah has always been very athletic through school, and often goes hiking with the Geller family during the summers and has been a regular on their trips to Israel for the last three years. With long, curly black hair, a narrow face, and soft gentle eyes, she reflects her European Jewish roots. She comes from one of the original Jewish families in the Portland area, which immigrated from Poland. Her father owns a large printing company and her mother teaches Jewish Studies at Portland State University. They have voiced their concern to Sarah about Elijah's lack of focus and drive, but it falls on deaf ears. She loves Elijah and knows him better than anybody. They had been friends since the 2nd Grade, attending Hebrew school together, went to the same middle and high school, her family are members of B'nai Torah, and they've been romantically-involved for about 3 years. She sees beyond the Elijah of today, and she refuses to give up. Sarah passionately believes her Eli will do great things when he decides what that will be. And then her parents will see, and they'll be proud of them both for never giving up.
“Elijah, nobody wants to control your life. Your dad knows how amazing you are and is excited to see that potential bloom into something amazing. I can't wait to see it too! You are so special, Eli-everybody sees it. Your little brother adores you, your parents are proud of you....”
“No they're not! Are they so proud of me that they're sending me to stay in Israel? I'm being banished because my father is ashamed that I still live here and I'm not going to school. At least if I'm in Israel, he can make something up when people ask how I'm doing. Whatever. I am so tired of this. I just want to get away from all of this.” Elijah laid down on his bed with his back to Sarah and just stared at his cluttered desk. A knotted ball of panic dropped into Sarah's chest.
“Elijah, you're not talking about.....suicide, are you? Eliyahu?” Tears welled up in her eyes at the thought of Elijah hurting himself, or worse. She only addressed him by his Hebrew name when she was absolutely serious. He was her whole world and she would walk through life homeless and hungry if it meant being with her Eli. Her insides were a raging inferno of stress as she waited for his response.
“I don't want to kill myself, but I can't stay here anymore. And I don't want to stay in Israel with Shlomo. He smells a bit like whitefish.” Elijah wanted to ease Sarah's despair with a little humor, and it worked. He rolled back over to see Sarah laugh. He loved the way her whole face lit up when she smiled. Hers was the most beautiful face he had ever seen.
The iron grip of anxiety melted away, but she just couldn't get past the feeling of impending doom. As she gently kissed his lips she cradled his face with her hand and whispered, “It's going to be alright. I will be right here beside you, no matter what. Whether you stay here, go to Israel, or to the far side of the moon; I will never leave your side.” Elijah stopped and stared at her for what seemed liked an hour, though it was only a minute. He was lost in thought, but then suddenly came back to their moment.
“Yeah, I like that idea. To the far side of the moon. I'll send you a postcard.” With a newly determined look in his eyes, Elijah got up, walked out of his bedroom and out of the house. He didn't even look back at Sarah as he left. The iron grip of panic seized her once again.
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